Great Sex Insights September 2007

Physical intimacy might be fun, or it can be awkward, uncomfortable or leave unpleasant emotional results.  Really great sex- the kind of sex that satisfies your aerobic requirements for the entire week, leaves a rosy glow of contentment, and leaves you feeling good about yourself long after – that’s a whole different level of intimacy. 

Social messages like to portray men as capable of having great sex with a total stranger, and women requiring commitment.  That’s bunk.  Anyone who can relax enough physically to enjoy the mechanics can have an orgasm with the right stimulation.  That’s why masturbation works for some people.  That’s not great sex.  It’s scratching a natural itch. 

Lots of people seek connection and intimacy through physical interaction, and treat sex like a pacifier, using it to get by.  If someone is feeling lonely or unhappy, it’s easy to use sex as an attempt to achieve a temporary feeling of caring, or being cared for, or both.  And that is just as true inside a committed relationship or marriage as it is for singles – people are often lonely or unhappy.  Often, inside a relationship sexual interactions are an attempt to reassure emotionally – which is why controlling sexual relations is often used for manipulation – both deliberately and subconsciously. 

Achieving great sex requires a feeling of safety : physical safety, emotional safety, and spiritual safety.  The funny thing is, it doesn’t particularly matter what a person thinks about their safety, because it is the subconscious mind that determines whether or not you feel safe.  Lots of people use drugs or alcohol to temporarily chemically override this reality, which is why a couple of glasses of wine might loosen things up enough to have good sex.  Not great sex. 

Both men and women have performance anxiety issues in physical intimacy, which can range from body image to competence to emotional doubts.  Any anxious thoughts are an indication that the subconscious mind is not feeling safe.  It’s a certain indication that great sex will not happen.  Anxiety and great sex don’t really work together. 

One of the bonuses of healing at the subconscious level is that you can teach your subconscious to feel safe, thus eliminating anxiety from your sex life.  Healing is always a process of layers, peeling away the conditioning of past experiences, genetic imprinting and spiritual imprinting to release your capacity for true joy.  When you work on your sex life, this means that as you heal, it just gets better and better.  Now that’s an incentive for personal work.     

Another funny thing is that working on improving your sex life also heals other issues.  If you feel emotionally safe, and enjoy emotional intimacy in your bedroom, you’re definitely going to be having better relationships in all areas of your life.

It isn’t necessary to have a sex-life to heal issues around intimacy.  Another bonus of healing is that it will change how others treat you, and how you react to the behavior of other people.  That’s going to impact any area of your life that involves people – most of it.

How can you get started?  Remember, healing is an onion, and this onion has a lot of layers.  There are ways to address specific issues, but in this context I’ll keep it simple.  When you can sit quietly, breathe to settle yourself.  Imagine surrounding your body with a large ball of white light.  Set the light to spinning either clockwise or counter-clockwise, so it is passing through your tissues and your energy, healing and releasing and soothing.  After a few minutes in the light, imagine that you can tune the light with an intention.  Keep your intention simple : I am safe.  Let the light help you melt away anything that contradicts your ability to feel safe at all levels of your being.  Let the light do the work. 

Pick a time that you can use this healing that fits into your day.  You could be riding on the bus, standing in the shower, or sitting in front of the TV.  It’s usually more effective to do a little each day, rather than try to do a lot at one time.  Too much at one time just aggravates the subconscious resistance to change – slower is deeper. 

This is a large onion, so the changes you will detect will be subtle. As you continue, the changes continue, and can go deeper and have more powerful results.  Simple is effective. 

To find ways to direct healing at specific issues, check previous Tone articles on my website.  When you heal your subconscious, life gets better and better.  Enjoy!

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